I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
