I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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