R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
