Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
