Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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