If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
