ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
