Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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