She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize