I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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