Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
