Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
