Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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