He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
