Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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