i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.