Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
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Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
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When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities