You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
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she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
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