How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
