If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
