ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
