paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
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You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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