I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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