Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
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He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
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