Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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