Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
