He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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