She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There r osticjed everywhere
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
