i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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