his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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