I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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