Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
