I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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