somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
