forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
