Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
