morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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