My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
