Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
