Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
