you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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