I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
