im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
