i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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