i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
