I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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