Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
