I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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