shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
