"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
