my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
