Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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