Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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