I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
