Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
