Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
